Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize