I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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