Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
