I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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