I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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