I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
