Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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