I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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