life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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