I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
