I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
