This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
