Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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