I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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