I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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