i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize