the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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