I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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