cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
