i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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