I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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