I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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