I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
