see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
