I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
even my farts smell like vagina
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
