I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
