She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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