I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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