you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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