I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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