he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
