i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
