Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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