I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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