Swine flu. Run for my life!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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