a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
