You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
