I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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