I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
