she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize