I think I died a long time ago.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
