we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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