New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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