2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
