I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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