I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
