filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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