Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
