Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
