Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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