my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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