My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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