I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
