you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
