He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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