Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The beer is more important than you right now.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
