When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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