He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How does it feel to date your dad?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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