He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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