He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
