Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
