I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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